Hot Wheels

Hari ni dah minta izin Papa tak moh masak lunch. Saya nak duduk dgn FRAN. Nak up few sharings yg asik duduk dlm draft. Mgu depan saya mcm akan sgt busy di office. In fact, my 24 hours per day are pack. Tak ada masa utk unnecessary things. 

Oh... saya kena padamkan nama B & D pd sharing ketam. Sejak PC rumah dah repaired, dia selalu masuk FRAN. Babang suka baca diari kami. Tapi kelmarin dia jerit satu rumah bila baca pantun tu. Ya lah... sorry ya bang... deleted!

Ini sharing as requested by Papa. Their hobbies since few months ago. Rasanya HW dah jadi hobi ramai org. Suka hati la Pa... selama ni saya tak pernah halang hobi awak. Dari memancing, sampai ke ngeteh tgh malam, sampai ke wewek, sampai ke aktiviti 'lain'. 

I don't know what things are these... yg saya tahu, saya selalu menangis bila terpijak kereta-kereta kecik ni atas lantai rumah. MAHAN sampai ke bilik mandi pun bawa kereta hot wheels dia mandi sama. Cana dah gayanye?

Papa pula sibuk memodifikasikan rak kasut DIY jadi parking garage hot wheels. Sabar je lah. Tapi bagus juga hobi ni, jejiran ada yg order dr Papa juga. At least, ia hobi yg memberi income. Kecil pun, alhamdulillah. 

Tak tau nak citer apa, sbb bukan 'makanan' saya...

Okay, here your hot wheels in FRAN, Pa...

Dandelion Kurang Seri

Today is the last day of January 2016. How time flies. I wish I don't have to put this here. Tapi itu mgkn bawa erti saya tak mensyukuri apa yg masih dipinjamkan. At least we still have this date together. Tahun depan? Wallahualam.

27th January 2016

Earlier than this date, 10 years ago, your parents came to see my parents & they mutually rendered their blessings. Actually, ibu & abah saya berat hati tp demi anak ksygn, mereka turutkan je. Few months after, we had our marriage solemnization after Isya'. It was held in my parent's house, in front of my family, my relatives, my neighbors, as well as your people. Tak ada rahsia, sebab semuanya bersih mengikut hukum, adat.

You know what, Pa...? To be honest , I have so many words to put down here. In fact, I have wrote here a long story. Eventually, I realized... there's no use of bringing up all that again. Let bygones, be bygones. This is life.  Let the long story be in my 12 DAYS mss, if ever Allah allows it.

And hey, just like you said... it's our 10th! I read somewhere, 10th anniversary is associated with daffodils. Ya, I read that when I was looking for some material for MDH. I never thought before that I have to use it here.

10 years. God knows what I had gone through for that period of time.  I guess, not many woman, if they were to be in my shoes, will take this life the way I did or will ever be capable of doing things I did.

Happy 10th anniversary Pa. May this 10 years of our marriage, get us grown up & mature. Road without obstacles get us nowhere. You're the one who insist to still driving along this challenging road, so be stronger Pa. You knew know what I have been telling you since the day one, are now showing their truth. 

My bundle of joys, Allah still lend me in this 10 years of time.
Selepas begitu byk susah & payah, jerih & perih,
You insist for this re-togetherness.
So, this re-togetherness will be in NEW FORM, dear.
Cause I've already made my mind & my choice.
And.. thank you ya for the wish in your FB. 
Aaamiin... InsyaAllah...

Walk to remember :

Someone send us anv wish:

Hadiah tak selalunya terbungkus indah,

Terkadang Allah membungkusnya dengan masalah

Tapi di dalamnya ada hikmah & barokah.

270116 H2ndB FM

Kam Heong Crab My Bolehla... Version

Alhamdulillah, home PC dah blh guna. Tq bro SZ tlg repair. Tinggal tgu bajet utk repair my dearest laptop.  1st sharing dr PC rumah sblm Pa balik dari ambil Babang di Bengkel Sifir sekejap lagi n lps tu nak keluar makan kenduri. 

Last 2 weeks, nmpk ketam waktu ke pasar mlm Jumaat. Ya, Pa requested for this! Aiyok! Cari Pn Google, oooooh bgt ke caranya? Belek freezer, tgk laman blkg, tgk laman D (B mesti merah muka kalau dgr kami sebut nama D), bolehlah. Ada bbrg yg diperlukan. Hantam sajalah labu, my 1st time meng 'Kam Heong' kan ketam!

Simpan kat sini utk rujukan jika ada rezeki di lain kali.

Ketam Kam Heong versi RAN

Rupanya tak cantik mcm dlm google. Its either bumbunya over-cooked @ mgkn api agak besar. Tak apalah... janji edible. Lagipun org2 lelaki dlm rumah ni kata 'Sedap!'. Kira lulus lah 1st attempt.

Dina! Tq ye utk daun kari. Pokok kari ummi sdg struggle nak hidup. Maaf tak hantar sedikit ke sebelah, tgu pass baru boleh kongsi hu hu. 

Ealier, Papa spontaneously created 2 lines of pantun :
          Hujan rintik-rintik
          Pagi sampai petang

And I, also spontaneously, added on...
         DXX sangat cantik
         BXX sangat sayang!

Dan satu rumah/kereta bergegar bila Babang menjerit!
Habislah kalau Papa Mama D dgr ni. Matiklah Ummi nak oi!
Sorry la bang, gurau je. Ha! Tengok ni bang,

Gender ketam. Org kata ketam betina lebih byk isi... sedap.

Oooo... gitu ye? Nnt len kali kita beli yg betina je ye Pa....

Mengapa Dirindu?

Masuk office hari ni selepas bercuti 1 1/2 hari, hilang mood keje. Rindu & risaukan kan MAHAN. After on & off ill for a week plus, this week his fever & cough persist. Dari kelmarin sampai ke subuh tadi dia meragam & tak boleh berenggang. Pagi tadi pula lihat Bik Mah pun macam tak sihat, serba salah hati. Kalaulah boleh tak yah pergi keje hari ni kan best...

Baby, Ummi pergi kerja ye? Dia angguk. Ummi htr Babang Didik ke sekolah pas tu Ummi masuk office. Ummi kena kerja bantu Papa sara keluarga kita. Ummi tinggalkan baby dlm jagaan Dia ye. Kita jumpa petang nanti ye... insya-Allah.

Di KA kelmarin, doc suh ambil neb Susahnya nak suruh dia pakai mask tu.  Dia sendiri adjust on off suis, adoi. Ada satu memori di sini 2.5 years back. Pernah ke sini ambil ubat masa sarat mengandung MAHAN. Sdg tunggu2 tu, saya tunjuk messages atr saya dgn seorg perempuan pd Pa. 

Sejak sehari semlm seblmnya sy bermesej dgn that lady. Dia claimed sy ada affair dgn suaminya. Katanya nmpk hb dia tgk fb sy, gambar sy ada dlm fb hbnya, no hp sy ada dlm hp hbnya. Adoi, ko biar betul dik? Ko tgk tak akak masa tu? I was pregnant! Office & bank matter je dik oi. Akak blm lagi jadi spesis itu. Mak bapak akak tak pnh ajar jadi pencuri, ambil kesempatan @ hancurkan org. Kenangan sguh bila kena tuduh gitu, luruh jantung. Bila kenang2, oooo... patutlah. Mmg masa tu ada org sdg beralih haluan kapal digoda pulau tinggalan. Keh keh, ketawakan aje. 

Rindu lagu ni. Among my favourite dari dulu2, especially bila Syura yg nyanyi, sedap gila suara. Dgr sekejap layan hati, sambil2 rindukan MAHAN.

And FS, be strong! She reminded me of Selamat Pengantin Madu. Babang & Didik pun masa tu sama gila dgn saya tgk SPM. Comel sgt FS dlm cerita tu. Cerita itu, waktu itu, pun... patutlah... kih kih. This life is indeed one full story. Tunggu ending di akhirat...

A walk to remember

Marah ke? Jgnlah mrh, kan awak kata org yg mudah mrh tu punyai imej diri yg rendah? Ini diari sy, memori sy. Kena simpan utk hasilkan mss 12 DAYS. Sudah2lah dgn bauan hati tu, perfume mahal beli overseas tu sembur sikit. Yakinlah dgn diri sendiri, baru tak backstab org. Dia pesan x usahlah 'cuit' awak lg. Dah tak ada hbgnpun. Ye lah... saya tak cuitlah, tak pasal2 kena samak jari. Maaflah klu awak terasa. Tp selagi tak ada nama & IC awak kat sini tak yahlah kot nak terasa n marah2. Jaga imej! Prof Dr tgh usha tu. Bye! Oh ya... saya mmg bodoh, sebab saya tak pandai buat dosa yg awak  & adik ipar SB awak tu buat. Sekian.

Tanah Yang Suci

Ini memori yg msh ada dlm draft krn ia tidak direalisasi. FRAN, you're always there... witnessing every words n bleed in me. Allah itu sentiada ada.

On our way to BGRC in early June 2014, he suddenly said :

P : Babang, Didik.. nni bln 12, Ummi dgn Papa nak pi jln2 tau...

P : Babang & Didik tinggal dgn baby ye...

D : Eh! Mana boleh!

D : Org patutnya jln2 bawaklah anak, kan bang...?

He whispered : 
P : Hjg tahun ni kita pergi nak? I miss the place...

I was touched. Ya, that was his promise, as a wedding gift for me. Bila dia pergi iring org tuanya, dia mau bawa saya bsm. Waktu itu sdg berpantang Didik. Taklah gamak meninggalkan baby Didik tu. 

U : Ummi dgn Papa bkn pi jalan2. Kami nak pi buat ibadat.

U : Babang incharge jaga baby dan Didik... boleh?

B : Baiklah... tapi... mcm mana sy nak masak?

U : La, Babang bkn jaga Didik dgn baby sendiri kat umah.

U : Nnti Ummi minta Nenek Imah tolonglah.

B : Oh, okay!

Unfortunately since then, saya di atr gembira ke sana & rasa pedih tinggalkan anak2. Cpt sgh dia urus prosedur. Tarikh pergi 18-31 Dis 2014. Gundah gulana rasa nk tgglkan MAHAN yg msh bf, teringat peritnya brd di Sydney ketika Babang msh baby & bf. But he said, "Allah Maha Kuasa". Ya, NO DOUBT, dear! 

Menggigil jari nak isi borang permohonan perjalanan luar negara. Akhirnya terbiar atas meja. Kepergian ini bkn 'mudah'. Byk perlu lunas zahir & batin, hati & jiwa. Terbayang air muka Babang bila dia bertanya hujung Nov. 2014 tu :

B : Ummi... jadi ke Ummi & Papa pergi umrah ni?

U : Kenapa Bang?

B : (wajah muram) Saya sedih...

B : Siapa nak jaga saya dgn adik2...?

Ya, Allah Maha Mengetahui. Saya tak ada peluang dpt izin VC & Bendahari apatah lagi group postpone trip.

Pa... tanah suci tu bkn sebrg tempat utk sebrg org. Hanya yg diberi izin akan dpt jejak kaki. You owe me d'greatest thing in our life, dear. Yet, alhamdulillah... d'good thing was you know who you should prioritize. This that you said, remain in my head, "Ya, dia mmg ajak. Tapi abang tak akan pergi dgn dia selagi abang tak pergi dgn Ayang terlebih dulu..."

I insist to put it here, so that you, me, my boys n every one two three person who happen to read this will know, Allah indeed Maha Mengetahui. I put it here, so that she in specific will read (because I know she is reading n stalking). 

You, sister... what made you think Allah would ever allows you to go when you had & have wrong me that much? You are getting closer to 50, carilah damai yg abadi, bukannya 'INTEREST IN MAN & MONEY' lagi.

I miss these faces so much. Alhamdulillah, abah got the call from Allah before he went back to his creator. Abah... moga2 ada sedikit belas Allah utk along ke sana, for every steps I made to post office in D'sara many years ago, everytime after gaji, I banked in a portion dlm buku TH abah & ibu. And to my sisters, tqsm krn bantu realisasikan impian itu.

A walk to remember...
It's been a month ago, when I suddenly see 'kaabah' in my head during my solat. Allah... the feel was so deep. I cried... suddenly I long to be there so much. I know every puzzle is now getting to complete itself. Insya-Allah, one fine day, when I have clear all the necessaries,  I will be there... with or without you, dear... only Allah knows best. One thing for sure, I will try my very best to take my 3 boys with me, insya-Allah.

Hijaunya padang orang

This annual program, he surely wanted to take us along. Satunya sebab saya pun ahli KVB, blh tlg cukupkan korum. Keduanya, lepas meeting, dia nak train boys main bola atas padang hijau, which padang is another habitat for d'boys selain kolam renang. Kadang2 pun dia ada perlawanan persahatan @ pre-MDC.

Ahad, 17/01/2016, el-Nino panas membahang. Sepjg pagi tlg siapkan minit, tghari mkn kenduri. Menjelang Zuhur, basuhan msh pusing2 dlm mesin basuh, another batch was drying under the hot sun, tgu nak diangkat. Another batch membukit tgu dilipat & sebakul baju sekolah boys tgu utk diseterika. Plus, nak kemas rumah yg bersepah dgn kereta hot weels.   

U: Pa, saya malaslah nak pergi. Bawak bebudak je la.

U: Lagipun sy tak pandai bersosial. Tak reti gedik2 pakai baju ketat.

P: (muka sedih kena perli)

U: Saya byk keje nak buat. Nak kemas umah...

P: Ala… hari2 pun awak kemas umah. Jom lah.

U: Malas...

P: Ala… jomlah teman pa. Nnt kids nk main bola.

U: Saya nak basuh baju, lipat baju, gosok baju etc etc

P: Malam nnt la buat… jom lah.

U: Kang kot saya x blh control laser mulut saya jumpa kekawan awak?

P: Napenye? Abg tak pnh bawa dia pun dulu.

U: La… nape tak bawak?

P: Mmg abg ckp kat dia, dok diam2. Tak boleh expose lgsg.

Lorr! Patutlah dia jadi begitu. Menjeruk rasa. Ayok Pa! Nasi hangit dah pun, the ending was so tragic. Saya simpati... tapi dah mmg jalan sisi gelap begitu yg akak pilih, knp saya pulak kena jadi kambing hitamnya? Moral of the story, sesuatu yg dimulakan dgn cara yg salah, insya-Allah tak bertahan. Kecuali jika kesilapan itu dibetulkan dgn penuh keinsafan, bukan menambah kekeruhan.

dlm byk2 org, bila Uncle Sharin Majid dtg lwt ptg tu, MAHAN terus salam dia.

Hijaunya padang... segar sikit mata.

Pasak tiang biar lurus, kak

Biar senang burung berdiri, (burung berdiri ke? lantaklah labu)

Tak kisahlah padang orang hijau, kak,

Padang saya ada roses, daisies dan cili!
(kekdg ada bunga tahi ayam sekali!)

Daisy... MDH... 

Aduhai... seksanya penantian ini.

.... dalam baldi, atas pagar, bawah kerusi... Kau Udara Bagiku!

Hari ni awal sungguh Babang & Didik sampai sekolah. Dan Alhamdulillah, 2016... mungkin sbb semua beban bertahun dlm jiwa & kepala ni dah Tuhan tarik keluar, maka semuanya jadi mcm so fresh. Thank you Allah.

Pagi2 juga lagu Janam Janam Dilwale dah keluar di Hot FM. Ayok... hu hu. Babang kata, "Ummi! Cepat! Lagu Ummi!"

Tapi bila disusul lagu '... kau udara bagiku, dirimu ku perlu...', haish tetiba rindu kat Iman Firdaus berdua. Selepas TLU, tahun lepas Aku Kau Dia was another drama yg buat saya book TV. And most of the times, Babang akan tolong setkan masanya supaya tak lupa menonton hu hu.

Baru sampai office, dah rindu MAHAN. Tahun ni, MAHAN pun kena ikut keluar rumah sebelum jam 7. Sgtlah bersemangat dia bangun pagi, especially kalau yg kejutkan dia tu Babang hu hu.

Nak simpan few memories of  MAHAN...
Awal2 dia mula nak bercakap... MAHAN dah mula sebut perkataan2. Walaupun tak hit bunyi, msh blh fhm maksudnya.

U: Baby… pergilah sana. Ummi tengah iron baju. Panas ni..

M: (buat dek)

U: Baby… pergilah jauh sikit. Nanti kena kaki, iron ni!

M: Ye aaa… (ye lah)

MAHAN juga suka reiterate bunyi Ummi & Papa…

U: Babang!

B: (buat x dengar)

U: Babang! Didik!

M: (buat muka marah) Baaaa! Diii! Uuuu uuu… (abang, adik! Ummi panggil kan tu?)

MAHAN juga mcm Ummi, suka makan. Pantang nmpk mknn, pantang dipelawa, pantang tgk kita menghidang… dia sorak ‘e eh anan!’. Padahal sblm tu dia dah makan duluan. Walaupun dia suka makan, walaupun dia tak sabar nak makan, tapi dia tak pernah lupa utk terlebih dahulu panggil semua org dlm rumah utk sama-sama duduk semeja, “Paaaa! Baaaa! Diiii! Anan!’.

Skrg ni MAHAN dah makin garang hu hu... sesuai kot namanya Hazmi = Tegas. Makin persistent. Bila disakat brothers sampai nangis, dia akan mengadu 'Ma... tu aaaa'. MAHAN pandai tunjuk protes, tapi tak brp cewek. Kalau kena marah, dia menangis, mudah pujuk je... alhamdulillah.

Dan MAHAN juga pantang nampak Ummi, "Ma! Nen... meh! Pat! Pat!' (no bf flashmob is allowed in FRAN ya huhu)

That's why most mothers said, 'I'll be missing the bf moments'. Hmmm... boys, kau udara bagiku! 

A walk to remember :
Good luck for your appointments today. Allah akan sentiasa beri rezeki selagi mana awak jujur & setia. Kita sama-sama belajar dari pengalaman & kegagalan. Belajarlah menyelami erti pengorbanan & kebenaran. Sesungguhnya garam pun kelihatan seperti gula. Bezanya, hanya manikam kenal jauharinya. InsyaAllah...

Kau Fikir Kau Siapa?

Bodoh selalu disinonimkan dgn lembu. Kesian dia. Banyak aje subjek & objek lain yg blh jadi perbandingan & kiasan. Lembu semedang juga yg kena. Tak pe la lembu... glamour! Susu awak juga yg berlambak2 kat pasaran hu hu... Lagipun bila orang asik bercakap pasal awak, tanda awak diingati. Mana ada orang asik cakap pasal unta, semut etc etc tu...

Difikir2... bila org marah sehingga begitu, meaning... dia dah over-frustated kot. Over limit, over board... like a friend of mine used to say 'Aku naik menyampah tengok tajuk2 novel skrg'. Haish... terasa juga sikit sbb STKG tu penerbit revised tajuk jadi Suamiku Heroku. Terjelepuk atas lantai homestay TSP bila dpt agreement dgn tajuk tu hu hu. Menambah statistik kpd novel dgn tajuk suami isteri sgl. Yet, I believe publisher knows better. 

Dlm dunia ni, bukan semudah petik buah ceri utk puaskan hati orang. Huruf pun ada sampai Z. Inikan pula manusia. Pendapat adalah subjektif. Cuma kadang2... org selalu judge the book by it's cover. Tajuk dia gitu2 tak semestinya ceritanya gitu2. Cuma mungkin kdg2 tajuk sgt mempengaruhi mood membaca. That justifies why I still grasping for courage to start reading many of the books on my shelves hu hu. Lagipun, establish publisher tak simply lepaskan fiksyen yg semata2 'kosong'.

Tak apalah... I have no courage to comment neither rendering my 2 cents opinion. I am nobody... 

Okay, tukar tune. First time dgr lagu ni waktu htr Babang Didik ke sekolah bbrp hari lps, rasa best pulak. Saya mmg suka je Nanasheme & her singing. Suara dia sedap didengar, pun comei orangnya.

Kelakar pun ye juga, sopan giler nada dia sebut, 'Kau fikir kau siapa? Boleh blah!'. Orang yg dia suruh blah tu kot2 confused... hu hu. Hmm... jadi motivasi pd diri sendiri, at this age, kalau mmg dah tak boleh tak nak marah, saya akan marah dgn nada lagu ni. Set!

Simpan sini, just for FRAN record. No name mention... and it is definitely not intended to be dedicated to anybody. So, kalau terasa mual2 sila dapatkan pregnancy test kit di farmasi. Debtors aging applied... (why suddenly debtors aging pulak dah...?). Heh...

11 DAYS IN 2016

Assalammualaikum FRAN!

I've been missing you so much.

And... its already 11 days passed in 2016!?

Alhamdulillah... 1 Rabiulakhir 1437H. 

Still breathing & the steps are getting closer to the door of 4.

There's lot to keep in you FRAN. But I am in the middle of chaostic phase for time being... adjusting myself for the 'new environment' in office & in life. 

InsyaAllah ada kelapangan, akan berdikit simpan few throwbacks for our memory... for our old days time to come, insyaAllah jika masih ada tempoh pinjaman.

New year of Masihi & new ME (am still & forever comot, plus determination to get back to my old ALL BLACK hijab). It's a starting year of self-distancing... might as well be followed by walking away, I guess. And it's for good... kerana Allah.

2016... Bismillah...