Tempat bermain dan senda-gurauan

I easily got emotional lately. Sensitive to the extend I could not understand what is there I am thinking of actually. I don't know the reason... semakin cuba menerima semakin itu tertekan dalam jiwa.

Along this boulevard, I have gone through few series of life trials and I managed to get through the battle with the bless of Allah. Alhamdulillah...

At this phase of life, I have more opportunity to utilize my times doing what I love most and what I have always wanted in life before.

It isn't that I do not thankful Allah for everything He blessed and blesses me with. Everything is great, greater and greatest every now and then. It even brought tears to my eyes realizing how much generous Allah is, how much He loves me.

But lately, counting back my time which has passed, looking to the front on how many more years do I have left.... and all this life condition I am in, I can't help thinking of 'can I make it?'.

How many more years do I have left? 10? 20? 25? 30? Days or months or years?

Looking at my children... looking at my husband, looking at my books, my computers, my office, especially looking into tikar sejadah after every solat, look into the quran verses and my everything... I can't stop thinking of 'do I have sufficient time left'?

To reach the time, I am far much from ready. Mengubah sempadan diri? I have started staggeredly some times now. Knowing that every lives will return home, eternally. Ikhlaskah saya kerana Dia, atau hanya kerana menggeruni hari kematian? Takutkan azab pembalasan? Ya Allah... saya ikhlas... kekalkanlah ia...

Everything is possible to happen to us. Accident, sickness... it's everwhere and everytime, always unexpected. Have we ever thought that one day we got cancer, acute leukimia, worst level tubercule baccili, HIV and some other disease to the extend it can't be cured?

Being tried this phase, I almost could not survive the stress! Doctor said, "Don't worry, it's moderate, it can be cured..."

Yes, it's proven... therefore I smile, I thank you Allah, I laugh... yes I try so hard! But still everthing is beyond expectation of normal human like me. Some of the times I was beated down by my own emotion, I lose. My heart weak, I got frighten as if I have less and less time to walk on. I am frigthened imagining that worst thing could do me harm. Shall I continuously being tried this way, can I keep myself stronger then? Keep asking, why me?

How will I take it shall a day, unexpectedly I got some other serious, far from expected illnesses? There are many new and mutant diseases in the world, everywhere. And myself? I am weak. I am like a generous open door to everything. When I happen to get it, what do I do? Counting the days given by doctor? Hoping for miracle? Hoping for 2nd chance? I closed my eyes, shhuing the imagination to go away.

I can't...

It keeps haunting...

I am so stressed....

Counting again on how many more secured times do I have left to do everything I wanted to do...

What is the destiny destined for me?

Maghfirah dan kifarah, ia rahsia Allah. Semestinya saya harus kuat untuk menerima dan redha. Saya pernah tulis, setiap insan ada kekuatan dalam menghadapi kertas ujiannya. Semoga saya juga kuat melaluinya.. terutama kertas ujian perasaan saya sendiri... kertas ujian begini sahaja tidak terjawap...

Ini dunia... tempat senda gurau dan bermain.. masih tidak tertanggung dukanya. Bagaimana pula kifarah di alam akhirat yang nyata dan kekal abadi? Aduhai, tidak terbanding...

Dan tiadalah kehidupan dunia ini melainkan
senda gurau dan main-main.

Dan sesungguhnya akhirat itulah yang sebenarnya kehidupan,

kalau mereka mengetahui

(Surah Al-'Ankabuut ayat 64)